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For over twenty years of my life, I was a professional ballet dancer. Trained from the age of 6. Apprentice by 16. Principal dancer by 19. By age 35, I happily made a transition out of the self absorbed (and sometimes self destructive) world of ballet into the world of fitness. I remain here in my own Pilates studio working with clients whom I adore. A short time ago, a client and I were talking about my past life as a dancer. She said, “Wow. You gave up your passion. Don’t you miss it?”

I was a bit taken aback. I never thought about how I gave up a passion to get away from a life I just couldn’t live anymore. I do miss certain aspects of that world. The performing and the camaraderie between the dancers are things I can’t replace in my present line of work. But the constant worry about weight, looks, getting the right parts, injuries, and the day to day staring at oneself in a mirror seem so crazy to me now. Forget about auditions. I simply lost my nerve. So my transition was never about giving up passion, it was about reclaiming my life and making it something I could live with. But the question of passion remains with me. I don’t think I will ever be as passionate about anything as I was about ballet. It consumed me. But I do feel a passion for my kids, my husband, and my work that takes on a different energy. My energy is on them and how I fit into their lives. This is fresh in my mind because of a ballet barre I had installed in my Pilates studio.

I love the way it looks and feels. I rub my hand across the soft wooden barres and I am immediately 16 again. I feel a sentimentality about my ballet barre that only another retired dancer could appreciate. So I stand at my barre when no one is around and I hold my arms the way I held my arms for all those years and I do a little ballet. The language has stayed with me even if the technique is long gone. I am admitting a little bit of that passion back into my life and it feels good.